Saturday, July 10, 2010

#3 My Weight

My Weight, you ask? Yes, my weight.

For almost as long as I can remember, it has been my constant companion/nemesis. I have always been a "big girl" & since a very young age, have always been self-conscious about it. I can remember being a little girl running around the house wondering why my belly stuck out when others' did not. Then came along school, where I was always at least a head or two taller than all of my classmates (& I was even one of the youngest in my class!) & along with that came being quite a bit heavier than my classmates too. I hated the seesaw because there was never anyone I could ride it with (or if they tried-it always took at least 2 of them on the other side for us to go up & down.) All throughout school, I always felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb (especially when I hit 6 feet by 6th/7th grade!) & always felt like I never quite "fit in" completely with anyone. Junior high was definitely the worst for this, let's just say that junior high boys can be especially cruel with the kinds of nicknames that they come up with & think are hilarious...thus, humor became my way of fitting in...I always remember hearing that it was a good way to defuse a bully, but I'm not really sure that it did the trick. However, I did figure out that I liked making people laugh (& still do to this day when I can) & that no matter how much you ignore them-words can still make a deep hurt.

Anyway, as the years have progressed, a huge chunk of me has always been focused on my weight, I never really dieted when I was younger, my thoughts always turned to exercising first instead, but I just never really stuck with anything outside of sports at school & softball during the summer. Even the year I joined an all winter volleyball program & actually slimmed down quite a bit, I still knew I was "fat"-even when others' kept telling me that I was looking "so good!" It wasn't until college when I happened upon some pictures from that era, that I thought "Wow, I looked pretty good then! If only I had realized it at the time..."

As an adult (& mostly since being married), I have now tried several different "diets." Most of them have worked, but the weight has eventually come back. About 3 or 4 years ago, I hit my highest point ever & realized that I needed to do something & make it stick. I can't even remember if I started out doing a specific diet, but I know that eventually what I was doing was combining aspects from the 3 or 4 that I had tried & basically doing my own thing (in a healthy way.) I ended up losing about 30-35 lbs, which eventually lead to me being able to maintain & keep off about 25 of those lbs for the last couple of years. My ultimate weight loss goal is to lose about 80-90 lbs from that high point I had hit, so I have about 2/3 of it left to go, but I also know that I have done better in the past hitting about that 30 lb mark & then taking a break from it for awhile to maintain that point that I reach.

So with 30 approaching very quickly, I am hoping to do that again by the end of the year, or at least be heading down on the scale instead of the "same old same old" numbers. I find it ridiculous to do this in an unhealthy way, so trust me when I say that I will be using healthy eating habits & exercise. And I hope that before the next 30 years have gone by, that I will have finally reached my "dream weight."

So, to my lifelong tag along, my weight, thanks (I guess) for all of the life experience you have bestowed upon me, but please don't be offended as I try to say "SO LONG" to part of you as the years go by! :)

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