The Good Thing About a Mess

Is that messes hide those things that one would rather leave hidden...

I've been working on cleaning up & out our bedroom today. Some friends & I are holding a garage sale this weekend & I've been trying to "sort out" what needs to be gone from our house :)

Anyway, it has amazed me what type of stuff has been dumped in our bedroom, especially on my side of the room.

It has also completely caught me off guard.

Among the things I've found: an old planner, a pacifier, a diaper & feelings that overwhelmed me so quickly that I was taken quite by surprise.

The planner was from 2008-2009 & I thought it was neat to flip through the pages and remember what things were important that year, trying to remember what some of the references were referring too, realizing how much life really does change in 2 years, and then I got to the last page or so & read "[name omitted] Due Date!"

Baby E's mom.

Realizing that Saturday is his birthday & that if things had been different, I would be planning a birthday party for a 2 year old right now...but I'm not. I flipped another page in the planner and saw "Tutoring Meeting 9 a.m." and remembered how I went ahead and attended that meeting and how it was one of the hardest things I ever made myself do. It was less than 24 hours after we had returned Baby E to his mother and no one at school had heard yet that it had all fallen apart. It was difficult, awkward at times & very sad for me, but I was determined to go on with things 'as normal.'

I was still okay at this point in the cleaning process, they were, after all, just memories...sad ones, but memories. Then I found the diaper and pacifier buried in a basket. Both of them were "his." I was still okay, until I threw them away...

the physical act of letting those two items go, unexpectedly, tapped into that well & the tears just started flowing.

I was dumbstruck. How could I be crying? Really?

I tried to make myself stop, but my body was determined to get it out so I let it.

Now none of these things has been just sitting in our bedroom for 2 years straight, they've each kind of 'flowed' from place to place and their most recent landing spot was our bedroom. It was finally time to let them go.

I do still think and wonder about Baby E, probably quite a bit more often than many people would ever realize...wondering how he is, what mischief he might be getting into, what milestones he has reached, and I know that I always will. He was my son, my child, if only for a brief moment. That is a loss that I will always carry with me & it is a loss that will never be evident to most. I am also aware that it is a loss that some will never be able to understand or how it may have affected each of us here in this house.

How can it be that memories can sometimes feel as "fresh" as the moment they originally happened? So, the mess is cleaned up & those memories that were "buried" deep in the piles are now at the surface once again, for the moment anyway. And as I did then, I'm just going to keep moving on (& hopefully, won't find anymore "buried treasures" :) and keep on cleaning!

What a difference a year (& a vacation) make!

One year ago...we were left reeling from having a new baby as part of our family for a couple of days & then having to take him back...

One month ago...I was really not looking forward to these last few days as they would mark the 1 year point since this had all happened & we still have not been able to add another member (even with a seemingly "real" possibility in our future at the time) to our family in that time frame...

What can I say? Vacation was a wonderful distraction & ours came at the most opportune time!

We had not purposefully planned it this way for this reason-it was based on work schedules, but it was nice timing to say the least.

It was not lost on me, though, that on the day we made it home-was the same day one year ago when I was able to watch a little being being brought into this world & how it filled my heart with joy & I was hopeful that wherever Baby E (who probably isn't much of a baby anymore :) was, that he was having a very happy birthday. He will always hold a special little piece of my heart even if he isn't part of our home & family. Happy Birthday Baby E!

Monday was the anniversary of taking him back, but luckily, even though I have a "mind for dates"-this date was forgotten at the time & wasn't as difficult to deal with :)

Vacation stories coming soon & maybe even some pics-WHAT???-I know, I rarely do pics so you'll just have to wait & see on that one :)

Progress Report

How have things been going?

Well, fine & actually really well considering how our summer got started & which is going to end much differently than we had hoped it would just 2 short months ago.

Is there a "bright spot" (we hope!) on the horizon? Yes, but it isn't quite the right time for us to discuss it here just yet. Don't worry~ I will update when it seems fitting, but just not yet...

Adoption loss is an odd circumstance to deal with...

On one hand, we knew about the baby for almost 1/2 the pregnancy & along with his birthmom, we grew to love him even though we knew that losing him was a very real possiblity. I was able to watch him being born. We cared for him in the hospital, in our home & were able to spend 3 (1 in the hospital & 2 at home) wonderful nights with him. We loved him.

On the other hand, there are lots of people who have no idea it even happened or maybe they just choose to act like they no nothing about it. Either way, it leads to some very awkward feelings & conversations at times. Some may even think that he was never really ever our child anyway or wasn't our child 'yet' so it wasn't a big deal. In fact, it's not like the child died so it can't be that bad, right?

Wrong.

Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting around crying all of the time or drowning in my own sorrows. Nope, I have picked myself up & have moved on, but sometimes my mind just likes to drag its feet behind :)

Yes, we do have a 'bright spot' that could bring lots of sunshine with it, but with it also comes all of those lingering thoughts...

Baby E was my son & in lots of ways he still is in my heart. I am still thinking about him & his welfare. I am hoping that his mom is getting along well & is receiving any help that she might need to give him the best life. In fact, I heard something the other day on the radio about GED classes & she was the first thing that popped into my head. I wondered if she had heard it, if she would want to know about it, if it would be weird if I made a call to her to let her know...

After Baby E was born, Scott & I were very concerned about making sure that she would still feel included in his life...pictures, phone calls, visits if she so chose, etc, but once the pendulum swung back the other way-the thought of us being kept updated is not really considered an option...I mean it's not like we're biologically connected or anything.

But, emotionally, I am & I'm not really sure what to do about it...any scenario I can come up with just seems odd.

It is as if a friendship you have worked so hard for & to build up, was all of a sudden ripped out from under you with the friend never looking back & all you're left with is a few pictures & your memories...

And many times I am left wondering...

if he will ever even know anything about us & how we loved him.

How are You?

"Fine" "It's fine" "It's okay"

My standard answers to this question over the past 3 weeks.
Are they lies? Some days yes...Some days no.

Today, a little bit yes. "Baby E" already seems like eons ago in my head. Maybe that is my mind's way of coping, I don't know, but it truly does feel like it happened "so long" ago now. Yet, when I actually let myself sit down & think about it for very long-I realize that he is only 3 weeks old today & that is not that long ago. I would have had a 3 week old baby in my arms today if all had gone as planned...

but it did not & so here I sit.

Am I walking around ready to fall apart at any second? No, but that doesn't mean that I am not still grieving for what "might have been"

Does it hurt to see others' with their babies? Yes, but not in a spiteful way, just a sad for what we could have been experiencing with"Baby E" at this moment way

Honestly, I haven't figured out which is better yet-seeing people who we know, but no nothing about what happened & trying to pretend that everything has been fine & dandy for the past few weeks or seeing people who know, but are afraid to talk about it because it might upset us or people who give us the "oh I just can't imagine...". No...you can't, but at least we know that you care & are thinking of us. Of course, some of this is just me too because I know that I don't want to be asked about it constantly, but I am also not afraid to talk about it either so I am sure that I have sent out plenty of mixed signals to many of our family & friends. Although, I have a strong feeling that this is all just part of the "process" too.

I do know that I don't want people to...

use their most "sympathy filled" voices to talk to me-it is sad that it happened, but I promise you that I am not walking around all day just waiting for the first chance to have an emotional breakdown for you just because you're talking about it :)

act like it never happened or gloss over it with a "there will be another baby"-just because it may not seem completely "real" to you because you didn't witness it or see the baby-I promise that it was very real for us

believe me completely when I say that I am just "fine"-just being willing to listen instead of asking lots of questions about it will help more than anyone could ever know.

I also know that...

we have already received countless understanding & support from so many of our family & friends & other bloggers and for that I say "THANK YOU!"

I know that we will come through this stronger than we were before & that maybe one of these days we will have another little baby to hold in our arms & raise as our own, but for the moment I just might need to dwell on "what might have been" occasionally for a while yet & figure out the answer to the question that has brought all of this up again these past few days...

"What do I do with the pictures we took?"

My Sweetness

One week ago today, "Baby E" was born & along with it the dream of the son that almost was.

Is there still sadness? Yes, of course, but nothing like it was initially. Yes, we gave our hearts to this new little baby, but we know that he is loved & that helps immensely.

I believe that much of what remains is just the fact that the "dream" has died for the moment. Not to say that there won't be another chance to make this dream come true, but it just isn't going to happen right now with "Baby E" like we had been hoping. I have to believe that it will happen again & I can only hope that maybe it will be soon.

One thing that we do know is that we have been truly blessed & I've never known that more strongly than I did tonight after putting Luke to bed. I was standing outside his door waiting to see if I would need to go back in again when my ears picked up on a noise. It was the sound of Luke humming the tune I always hum to him at bedtime to put himself to sleep. What a sweet sound it was too! :)

Tuesday's Soapbox: What's in a loss?

Here are some things I have learned or seen over the past couple of days while dealing with this loss:

*The support we have received from many of our family, friends & even strangers has been overwhelming. A small word of kindness, no matter how small it may be, means so much more than you can ever know.

*No one has yet asked me "How are you doing?" in that 'pity-soaked, I'm so sad for you voice'! I despise that voice, since hearing it 100 million times during the IF years. (I think my dire warnings to a few well-placed family & close friends may have done the trick :)

*I hope that people will talk to me directly about what has happened, if they would like to know how we are dealing with things...I dislike knowing that I am being 'talked around' (also a knee jerk reaction from the IF days)...don't worry about offending/upsetting me, I'm not that fragile & I promise I won't break-just ask.

*It has surprised me to see how friends whom I haven't talked to in ages have been some of the first ones to offer words of congrats/comfort during this past week. There really is something to this saying about friends: "Ah, how good it feels! The hand of an old friend." ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

*I also now know who can respond to a text message the fastest :)

*We got to see how Luke reacted to a sibling being around-he did pretty well. Not really any jealousy, just a big interest in looking at the baby & giving him hugs.

*"Baby E" (this name is derived from the name birthmom is giving the baby if that clears up any confusion for RL family & friends about where it came from) was only in our home for 2 mornings, but that was just enough for Luke to become accustomed to looking for the baby first thing when he gets up. It broke my heart to hear him say "Baybee" & then hold his hands up like "where is he" yesterday morning & then again throughout the day a few different times. It truly sucks having to say "oh, the baby went home" to him. He is only 21 months, but he is definitely old enough to be confused by all of this!

*I thought that "hiding" all of the baby stuff would make it easier, but it hasn't. The big, glaring empty space where a bassinet should be greets me each time I walk into our bedroom & makes it feel like I'm trying to "cover something up" like we did something wrong, which was/is not the case. I also know that I can't handle looking at it either, so what to do...?

*I wish that we were the only ones hurt by all of this, but I know that we are not.

*We know what options are open to us at this point, but we also know that we need to deal with our grief over this specific situation first so "making suggestions" will not help us to get over this faster.

*I wish with all of my heart that there could have magically been two of "Baby E" so that neither us nor birthmom would have had to have our hearts broken at any time during all of this! (In NO way am I saying that if it had been twins, they would have been split up either!)

*Luke is quickly learning that the use of the words "I'm fine" by someone is 99% of the time a lie in some form or the other :)

*It is a very good thing to have a few very close friends & family members who I know I can call on at anytime to "vent" & know that they will listen & sympathize with me no matter what-even if they may think I have gone off my 'rocker' at the time :)

*I find myself waiting for "normal" to reappear-I've seen glimpses of it over the past 2 days, but I also know that things can't ever be the "normal" that it was before all of this. They can get "better", but never the same as they once were...

The Chronicles of Adoption #2

The following were written in "real" time (the days they occurred), but I have held out until now for the benefit of being able to let family/close friends know about it all first. The only changes that I have made are to the baby's 'name'. My hope is to not only 'chronicle' what we went through to help us remember, but also I hope that maybe by me writing it-it will help someone else in some way.

Monday night (June 1): I am a sentimental person, but not usually overly sappy, however, tonight was a little bit of a different story. I couldn't help it-a couple of tears slipped out-as I was rocking Luke to sleep tonight knowing that it would be the last time I would put him to bed as my only child. Even if things don't work out the way we hope, this new little baby will always own a piece of our hearts & even more so after we have a "face" to put with him. The next few days will either be some of the greatest Scott & I have experienced in our marriage or some of the worst...here's to hoping that they'll all be good.

Tuesday night (June 2): I am thinking how strange it is that we might actually come home with a baby in a few days. I am also thinking about what it will be like if we don't. It feels weird to not have Luke in the house (he is at my mom & dad's for the duration of the hospital stay). I yelled something up to Scott earlier this evening & thought "Oh, I need to be quiet so I don't wake Luke up" until I remembered that he isn't here so I could yell as loud as I wanted if I wanted :) It was a strange feeling. I am also thinking about birthmom & how strange it must feel to be packing her bags, but not packing anything for baby or if she is packing something-what does that mean as far as we're concerned? I remember feeling exactly this same way on the drive down to Luke's home state. Will our car seat actually have a baby in it shortly? Strange is really the only word I have for all of it :)

Wednesday night (June 3): All of us had our hopes & expectations pumped up & ready to go this morning & then fate stepped in! The hospital more specifically the labor & delivery rooms of the hospital were affected by an air-conditioning ventilation problem that occurred overnight.
No air-conditioning for delivery=No baby born today :(
The upside to all of this is that we got to spend lots of time bonding some more with the birthmom & her mom (baby's grandma). It was nice to be able to "hang out" with them. So...maybe we'll finally get to see our baby's face tomorrow!

Saturday morning (June 6): Well, all went well at the hospital. I was amazed by birthmom's strength during labor & delivery & through the next day. From spending almost 2 1/2 days with her through all of it, I felt that we all really got to see what each of us is like & just how much we all love this little baby. She is wise beyond her years in knowing what she felt she needed to do to help herself & to provide for this little guy. The crappiest part for all of us, I know, is when we had to leave the hospital & part ways. We knew that we were leaving there with one of life's greatest gifts, meanwhile, she was leaving there with empty arms. She is never far from our minds or hearts & we hope that she will be able to fulfill all of her dreams for herself & her other son at home.
On a side note-Last night around 2:30 in the morning, I experienced something that I've only heard about in fairy tales-well maybe not fairy tales exactly ;) I was changing "Baby E's" diaper & had everything all cleaned up for the knew one when out of nowhere came flying poop! Yep, that's right, projectile pooping! Needless to say, I am now thinking that between this "super pooper" & his older brother "the sprayer"-all of our carpet will be nicely fertilized within the next few years :) Wouldn't they make for great superheroes?!

Saturday night (June 6th): We're a little shocked & definitely in disbelief as we have just received a call from birthmom saying that she has changed her mind & can't go through with it. We knew this was possible & would probably happen to us at some point if we continued pursuing the adoption path, but that doesn't make it any easier. We will return him tomorrow morning at 10:30 so until then we're loving on him as much as we possibly can & I don't think that either of us will gripe about having to get up with him tonight to do feedings or any lack of sleep that we may experience-not that we would have anyway.

Sunday afternoon (June 7th): It feels just a bit surreal to think about what has all happened in the last week. In fact, I wonder if it was all a dream, but then I see a baby bottle or a well wish from a friend or the car seat that hasn't been removed yet & I know that it wasn't. To think about just how quickly our lives changed & then how quickly they changed again. One would think that it would be just like it was before, but it isn't. I'm glad to have had the few happy days we did have with "Baby E". I know that those days are still more than some people ever get to experience in their whole lifetime & I am hopeful that we will be able to experience them again someday with "our baby" that we know is still out there waiting for us to find.