Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Progress Report

How have things been going?

Well, fine & actually really well considering how our summer got started & which is going to end much differently than we had hoped it would just 2 short months ago.

Is there a "bright spot" (we hope!) on the horizon? Yes, but it isn't quite the right time for us to discuss it here just yet. Don't worry~ I will update when it seems fitting, but just not yet...

Adoption loss is an odd circumstance to deal with...

On one hand, we knew about the baby for almost 1/2 the pregnancy & along with his birthmom, we grew to love him even though we knew that losing him was a very real possiblity. I was able to watch him being born. We cared for him in the hospital, in our home & were able to spend 3 (1 in the hospital & 2 at home) wonderful nights with him. We loved him.

On the other hand, there are lots of people who have no idea it even happened or maybe they just choose to act like they no nothing about it. Either way, it leads to some very awkward feelings & conversations at times. Some may even think that he was never really ever our child anyway or wasn't our child 'yet' so it wasn't a big deal. In fact, it's not like the child died so it can't be that bad, right?

Wrong.

Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not sitting around crying all of the time or drowning in my own sorrows. Nope, I have picked myself up & have moved on, but sometimes my mind just likes to drag its feet behind :)

Yes, we do have a 'bright spot' that could bring lots of sunshine with it, but with it also comes all of those lingering thoughts...

Baby E was my son & in lots of ways he still is in my heart. I am still thinking about him & his welfare. I am hoping that his mom is getting along well & is receiving any help that she might need to give him the best life. In fact, I heard something the other day on the radio about GED classes & she was the first thing that popped into my head. I wondered if she had heard it, if she would want to know about it, if it would be weird if I made a call to her to let her know...

After Baby E was born, Scott & I were very concerned about making sure that she would still feel included in his life...pictures, phone calls, visits if she so chose, etc, but once the pendulum swung back the other way-the thought of us being kept updated is not really considered an option...I mean it's not like we're biologically connected or anything.

But, emotionally, I am & I'm not really sure what to do about it...any scenario I can come up with just seems odd.

It is as if a friendship you have worked so hard for & to build up, was all of a sudden ripped out from under you with the friend never looking back & all you're left with is a few pictures & your memories...

And many times I am left wondering...

if he will ever even know anything about us & how we loved him.

4 comments:

Meg. said...

Personally, I think you have every right to miss the hell out of sweet baby E. =( Your heart was prepared to be his mama, plain and simple. And for 3 days, you *were* his mama. Our hearts do not quickly forget. I'm sending huge hugs your way.

And thank you for your condolences (re: my little Tom Tom). Your support is precious to me.

a Tonggu Momma said...

This is my first time here... and I was so touched by this post. Thank you for sharing it.

Would you mind if I linked to it this Sunday? Please email me at tonggumomma(at)gmail(dot)com to let me know.

I don't know the details of your experience, but one of my close friends experienced an adoption loss on day 29 of the 30 day waiting period. As a result, they told the agency they didn't want to even hear from them about anything at all until after the waiting period was over. Which meant that - the next time - they had exactly four days to prepare. She was sitting in my kitchen when she received the call. And it was a beautiful thing.

Gina (Caleeo) said...

I came over from the link on TM's site. My heart aches for you and your loss.

Lut C. said...

Popping in from the crème de la crème list.

Grief is not something our society is good at, I suppose, or not good at supporting anyway.

I wouldn't know what to say to a friend if they were to go through it. But I understand that it must be a painful loss.