Thursday, June 25, 2009

How are You?

"Fine" "It's fine" "It's okay"

My standard answers to this question over the past 3 weeks.
Are they lies? Some days yes...Some days no.

Today, a little bit yes. "Baby E" already seems like eons ago in my head. Maybe that is my mind's way of coping, I don't know, but it truly does feel like it happened "so long" ago now. Yet, when I actually let myself sit down & think about it for very long-I realize that he is only 3 weeks old today & that is not that long ago. I would have had a 3 week old baby in my arms today if all had gone as planned...

but it did not & so here I sit.

Am I walking around ready to fall apart at any second? No, but that doesn't mean that I am not still grieving for what "might have been"

Does it hurt to see others' with their babies? Yes, but not in a spiteful way, just a sad for what we could have been experiencing with"Baby E" at this moment way

Honestly, I haven't figured out which is better yet-seeing people who we know, but no nothing about what happened & trying to pretend that everything has been fine & dandy for the past few weeks or seeing people who know, but are afraid to talk about it because it might upset us or people who give us the "oh I just can't imagine...". can't, but at least we know that you care & are thinking of us. Of course, some of this is just me too because I know that I don't want to be asked about it constantly, but I am also not afraid to talk about it either so I am sure that I have sent out plenty of mixed signals to many of our family & friends. Although, I have a strong feeling that this is all just part of the "process" too.

I do know that I don't want people to...

use their most "sympathy filled" voices to talk to me-it is sad that it happened, but I promise you that I am not walking around all day just waiting for the first chance to have an emotional breakdown for you just because you're talking about it :)

act like it never happened or gloss over it with a "there will be another baby"-just because it may not seem completely "real" to you because you didn't witness it or see the baby-I promise that it was very real for us

believe me completely when I say that I am just "fine"-just being willing to listen instead of asking lots of questions about it will help more than anyone could ever know.

I also know that...

we have already received countless understanding & support from so many of our family & friends & other bloggers and for that I say "THANK YOU!"

I know that we will come through this stronger than we were before & that maybe one of these days we will have another little baby to hold in our arms & raise as our own, but for the moment I just might need to dwell on "what might have been" occasionally for a while yet & figure out the answer to the question that has brought all of this up again these past few days...

"What do I do with the pictures we took?"


Michelle said...

I just found you through ICLW. Thank you for such an honest post. I am so sorry to hear about your loss and can relate on a few levels. I hope that you are able to heal and have your precious baby! God bless!

Kocher Family said...

Still thinking of you...Save those still have that love for him.

Erin W. said...

I'm continually amazed by the support and honesty that I have found through stirrup-queens.
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss and will keep you in my thoughts and hope everything continues to be "fine".