Thursday, June 25, 2009

How are You?

"Fine" "It's fine" "It's okay"

My standard answers to this question over the past 3 weeks.
Are they lies? Some days yes...Some days no.

Today, a little bit yes. "Baby E" already seems like eons ago in my head. Maybe that is my mind's way of coping, I don't know, but it truly does feel like it happened "so long" ago now. Yet, when I actually let myself sit down & think about it for very long-I realize that he is only 3 weeks old today & that is not that long ago. I would have had a 3 week old baby in my arms today if all had gone as planned...

but it did not & so here I sit.

Am I walking around ready to fall apart at any second? No, but that doesn't mean that I am not still grieving for what "might have been"

Does it hurt to see others' with their babies? Yes, but not in a spiteful way, just a sad for what we could have been experiencing with"Baby E" at this moment way

Honestly, I haven't figured out which is better yet-seeing people who we know, but no nothing about what happened & trying to pretend that everything has been fine & dandy for the past few weeks or seeing people who know, but are afraid to talk about it because it might upset us or people who give us the "oh I just can't imagine...". No...you can't, but at least we know that you care & are thinking of us. Of course, some of this is just me too because I know that I don't want to be asked about it constantly, but I am also not afraid to talk about it either so I am sure that I have sent out plenty of mixed signals to many of our family & friends. Although, I have a strong feeling that this is all just part of the "process" too.

I do know that I don't want people to...

use their most "sympathy filled" voices to talk to me-it is sad that it happened, but I promise you that I am not walking around all day just waiting for the first chance to have an emotional breakdown for you just because you're talking about it :)

act like it never happened or gloss over it with a "there will be another baby"-just because it may not seem completely "real" to you because you didn't witness it or see the baby-I promise that it was very real for us

believe me completely when I say that I am just "fine"-just being willing to listen instead of asking lots of questions about it will help more than anyone could ever know.

I also know that...

we have already received countless understanding & support from so many of our family & friends & other bloggers and for that I say "THANK YOU!"

I know that we will come through this stronger than we were before & that maybe one of these days we will have another little baby to hold in our arms & raise as our own, but for the moment I just might need to dwell on "what might have been" occasionally for a while yet & figure out the answer to the question that has brought all of this up again these past few days...

"What do I do with the pictures we took?"

3 comments:

Michelle said...

I just found you through ICLW. Thank you for such an honest post. I am so sorry to hear about your loss and can relate on a few levels. I hope that you are able to heal and have your precious baby! God bless!
~Michelle

Kocher Family said...

Still thinking of you...Save those pictures......you still have that love for him.

Erin W. said...

I'm continually amazed by the support and honesty that I have found through stirrup-queens.
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss and will keep you in my thoughts and hope everything continues to be "fine".
*iclw*