Monday, June 8, 2009

The Chronicles of Adoption #2

The following were written in "real" time (the days they occurred), but I have held out until now for the benefit of being able to let family/close friends know about it all first. The only changes that I have made are to the baby's 'name'. My hope is to not only 'chronicle' what we went through to help us remember, but also I hope that maybe by me writing it-it will help someone else in some way.

Monday night (June 1): I am a sentimental person, but not usually overly sappy, however, tonight was a little bit of a different story. I couldn't help it-a couple of tears slipped out-as I was rocking Luke to sleep tonight knowing that it would be the last time I would put him to bed as my only child. Even if things don't work out the way we hope, this new little baby will always own a piece of our hearts & even more so after we have a "face" to put with him. The next few days will either be some of the greatest Scott & I have experienced in our marriage or some of the worst...here's to hoping that they'll all be good.

Tuesday night (June 2): I am thinking how strange it is that we might actually come home with a baby in a few days. I am also thinking about what it will be like if we don't. It feels weird to not have Luke in the house (he is at my mom & dad's for the duration of the hospital stay). I yelled something up to Scott earlier this evening & thought "Oh, I need to be quiet so I don't wake Luke up" until I remembered that he isn't here so I could yell as loud as I wanted if I wanted :) It was a strange feeling. I am also thinking about birthmom & how strange it must feel to be packing her bags, but not packing anything for baby or if she is packing something-what does that mean as far as we're concerned? I remember feeling exactly this same way on the drive down to Luke's home state. Will our car seat actually have a baby in it shortly? Strange is really the only word I have for all of it :)

Wednesday night (June 3): All of us had our hopes & expectations pumped up & ready to go this morning & then fate stepped in! The hospital more specifically the labor & delivery rooms of the hospital were affected by an air-conditioning ventilation problem that occurred overnight.
No air-conditioning for delivery=No baby born today :(
The upside to all of this is that we got to spend lots of time bonding some more with the birthmom & her mom (baby's grandma). It was nice to be able to "hang out" with them. So...maybe we'll finally get to see our baby's face tomorrow!

Saturday morning (June 6): Well, all went well at the hospital. I was amazed by birthmom's strength during labor & delivery & through the next day. From spending almost 2 1/2 days with her through all of it, I felt that we all really got to see what each of us is like & just how much we all love this little baby. She is wise beyond her years in knowing what she felt she needed to do to help herself & to provide for this little guy. The crappiest part for all of us, I know, is when we had to leave the hospital & part ways. We knew that we were leaving there with one of life's greatest gifts, meanwhile, she was leaving there with empty arms. She is never far from our minds or hearts & we hope that she will be able to fulfill all of her dreams for herself & her other son at home.
On a side note-Last night around 2:30 in the morning, I experienced something that I've only heard about in fairy tales-well maybe not fairy tales exactly ;) I was changing "Baby E's" diaper & had everything all cleaned up for the knew one when out of nowhere came flying poop! Yep, that's right, projectile pooping! Needless to say, I am now thinking that between this "super pooper" & his older brother "the sprayer"-all of our carpet will be nicely fertilized within the next few years :) Wouldn't they make for great superheroes?!

Saturday night (June 6th): We're a little shocked & definitely in disbelief as we have just received a call from birthmom saying that she has changed her mind & can't go through with it. We knew this was possible & would probably happen to us at some point if we continued pursuing the adoption path, but that doesn't make it any easier. We will return him tomorrow morning at 10:30 so until then we're loving on him as much as we possibly can & I don't think that either of us will gripe about having to get up with him tonight to do feedings or any lack of sleep that we may experience-not that we would have anyway.

Sunday afternoon (June 7th): It feels just a bit surreal to think about what has all happened in the last week. In fact, I wonder if it was all a dream, but then I see a baby bottle or a well wish from a friend or the car seat that hasn't been removed yet & I know that it wasn't. To think about just how quickly our lives changed & then how quickly they changed again. One would think that it would be just like it was before, but it isn't. I'm glad to have had the few happy days we did have with "Baby E". I know that those days are still more than some people ever get to experience in their whole lifetime & I am hopeful that we will be able to experience them again someday with "our baby" that we know is still out there waiting for us to find.

2 comments:

Jamie said...

You put your whole heart on the line and as quickly as it was filled, it was taken away.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am sure the next few months will be filled with "what ifs" and questions about what would have been.

*hugs*

Katie said...

What a beautiful tribute to your time with Baby E. And what an amazing person you are to have handled it all with such grace. I doubt I could have done as much in your position. I cannot wait until you are parents again to another wonderful baby. What a lucky, lucky little one that will be.