Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Tuesday's Soapbox: What's in a loss?

Here are some things I have learned or seen over the past couple of days while dealing with this loss:

*The support we have received from many of our family, friends & even strangers has been overwhelming. A small word of kindness, no matter how small it may be, means so much more than you can ever know.

*No one has yet asked me "How are you doing?" in that 'pity-soaked, I'm so sad for you voice'! I despise that voice, since hearing it 100 million times during the IF years. (I think my dire warnings to a few well-placed family & close friends may have done the trick :)

*I hope that people will talk to me directly about what has happened, if they would like to know how we are dealing with things...I dislike knowing that I am being 'talked around' (also a knee jerk reaction from the IF days)...don't worry about offending/upsetting me, I'm not that fragile & I promise I won't break-just ask.

*It has surprised me to see how friends whom I haven't talked to in ages have been some of the first ones to offer words of congrats/comfort during this past week. There really is something to this saying about friends: "Ah, how good it feels! The hand of an old friend." ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

*I also now know who can respond to a text message the fastest :)

*We got to see how Luke reacted to a sibling being around-he did pretty well. Not really any jealousy, just a big interest in looking at the baby & giving him hugs.

*"Baby E" (this name is derived from the name birthmom is giving the baby if that clears up any confusion for RL family & friends about where it came from) was only in our home for 2 mornings, but that was just enough for Luke to become accustomed to looking for the baby first thing when he gets up. It broke my heart to hear him say "Baybee" & then hold his hands up like "where is he" yesterday morning & then again throughout the day a few different times. It truly sucks having to say "oh, the baby went home" to him. He is only 21 months, but he is definitely old enough to be confused by all of this!

*I thought that "hiding" all of the baby stuff would make it easier, but it hasn't. The big, glaring empty space where a bassinet should be greets me each time I walk into our bedroom & makes it feel like I'm trying to "cover something up" like we did something wrong, which was/is not the case. I also know that I can't handle looking at it either, so what to do...?

*I wish that we were the only ones hurt by all of this, but I know that we are not.

*We know what options are open to us at this point, but we also know that we need to deal with our grief over this specific situation first so "making suggestions" will not help us to get over this faster.

*I wish with all of my heart that there could have magically been two of "Baby E" so that neither us nor birthmom would have had to have our hearts broken at any time during all of this! (In NO way am I saying that if it had been twins, they would have been split up either!)

*Luke is quickly learning that the use of the words "I'm fine" by someone is 99% of the time a lie in some form or the other :)

*It is a very good thing to have a few very close friends & family members who I know I can call on at anytime to "vent" & know that they will listen & sympathize with me no matter what-even if they may think I have gone off my 'rocker' at the time :)

*I find myself waiting for "normal" to reappear-I've seen glimpses of it over the past 2 days, but I also know that things can't ever be the "normal" that it was before all of this. They can get "better", but never the same as they once were...

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